Incomplete and all Alone

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Wed, 01 Aug 2012 20:05:16 -0500

I think I’m having an emotional breakdown. I am so unstable it’s just the most pitiful...

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 01:41:00 -0500

I think I’m having an emotional breakdown.

I am so unstable it’s just the most pitiful thing ever.

Once I start I can’t stop and I go on sobbing and despairing over every bad thing in my life.

And I’m just so afraid of dying and I wish I wasn’t, I wish I wasn’t. I’ve spent the past few days trying to finalize plans on how to kill myself and then I got hit with this absolute terror, this horrifying, paralyzing panic and dread at the thought of dying, it’s so permanent and no one thinks about it, I never even think about it, but I’m actually a real person, a real human being and everything that entails and whether or not anyone cares once I die I’ll be gone forever and it’ll be like I never existed…how awful and sickening that I won’t merely be dead, I’ll be completely gone, all my thoughts and memories and feelings, gone, forever.

There is nothing at all left to live for and everyone has left me, everyone hates me and my own family wants me dead. My mother said she would call the police to drag me out of the house and dump me on the streets if she had to.

And even though I’m already moving out with my sister I doubt we’ll able to afford it at least not for long because I can’t find work, the most she’ll be able to cover will be rent and bills and that won’t leave anything for food and everything else we need and it’s all my fault we’re going to starve just like everything is my fault, everything is my fault and my best efforts and intentions are never enough.

I can’t make anybody stay. It’s all my fault everybody leaves. Every single person that ever said they wouldn’t leave has left. And I’m so tired of being alone I can’t bear it anymore, words fail me, I can’t even describe what it feels like to be so alone anymore, there are no words in existence, in any language, there’s only endless tears and bitter suffering. I literally feel like I’m dying a slow, painful death inside because I’m so isolated and alone, absolutely no one can get any lonelier than I am because if they did they’d be dead. I daydream about having someone to be affectionate with, someone to love and hold and care for, and it’s just so sad because I’ve never had that and I never will, and it’s so pathetic that I do that, and people take it for granted because it’s so normal for them and they can’t even fathom what it must be like to not have anyone to talk to and share things with and kiss and cuddle with when I would sell my soul just to have those things. It doesn’t matter if I care about or love anyone because no one ever loves me back, I spend all this time throwing myself into people and loving them with all of my being and it’s always for nothing, no one ever cares enough to love me back with the same depth and intensity, with the same purity and wholeness, there’s always someone better and even when there isn’t people would rather be alone then be with someone like me. What is so wrong with me, I mean what, what, what am I doing wrong? Why can’t anyone ever love me like I love them? If such an ugly person with such an ugly heart as myself can still find things to love in imperfect people and love them unconditionally then why can’t someone in this entire world find it in themselves to love someone like me? There’s people worse than me and people better than me, just like everyone else in the world. I study people and I’ve recently realized that most people will do anything to not be alone, no matter how low or despicable it may be. People are so afraid of being alone yet they can’t have any sympathy for me or even try to understand what it must feel like to be in my place. All I ever get from people are disdainful looks and scornful words and harsh accusations and blame thrown upon me. And even if it is my fault that people leave, whether because I push them away or because I simply can’t be loved, I really do wish someone was capable of loving me enough to come after me.

I’m the most hated person in the world and I don’t know what I did wrong. My entire existence has been one huge mistake. And even if people don’t hate me, they’re indifferent towards me, which is just as bad or probably even worse.

And I still have to wake up tomorrow and try to endure one more day of fighting and being alone and drowning in my sadness and the horrible reality both inside my head and out. And I don’t think I can do it, I just can’t. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. I don’t think there will ever come a day when I don’t have to go to bed in tears.

I’ve changed my mind. When I first watched the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the...

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 01:12:00 -0500

I’ve changed my mind.

When I first watched the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the first thought I had was “why would anyone do that, why would you choose to have a memory of someone or something erased, no matter how bad or painful a memory it may be?”

Now I wish that a procedure like that really did exist. I wish I could erase certain memories and people from my mind forever. I know I wouldn’t regret it. I feel like they’re only going to drag me down and haunt me for the rest of my life. If I could just forget certain things, life might actually be bearable. I might actually be able to carry on and power through and keep hoping and fighting…Right now I just literally can’t function as a human being with some of the memories I have, things that I wish I never knew, things that I wish I had never found out about or seen, things that I wish I could erase forever, people that have caused me infinite pain, things that I know no matter how much time passes will always make me double over in unspeakable agony and feel as if a hundred fiery knives are being thrust into my chest.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life asking myself that question. I try to be a good, decent person, albeit realistic, pessimistic, and hopelessly boring, but for the most part loving, kind, patient, non-judgmental, at the very least respectful, but it’s never enough, it’s just never enough. It’s so sad to me how I can completely invest myself in a person and it just doesn’t matter at all…I’m never worth as much to people as they are to me, my entire life, over and over, constant failure and loss, never being capable of measuring up, always getting attached and hopeful that this time might finally be my turn to be happy but eventually and inevitably having to face bitter disappointment, rejection and abandonment and the task of picking up the broken pieces of my life, continuing to struggle and slog through this dreadful, meaningless, empty existence, and that’s how it always will be. Someone else will always be better, someone else will always come first, someone else will always be number one and I’ll always be the back-up, the last resort, the alternative. But I’ll never be enough. Which means that as a human being, I have essentially no value whatsoever. If no one can take me as I am, if I can’t be everything to just one other person, then I have failed at life and as a human being because there’s nothing else to live for. Nothing besides loving somebody and being loved back has meaning in life. And I refuse to be a pushover, a sad, sorry, spineless fool that settles for that constant end-of-the-line status in people’s lives, because no matter how insecure I may be I will always reserve that last shred of dignity and self-respect. I will never settle for being merely an option or second choice. I deserve to be number one in someone’s life, I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I’m a pathetic wimp and I know it…For some things, I can try to be tough…I really do try… but there are just other times that I can’t. It turns me into a quivering, pitiful, broken shadow of a human being. There are some things I just can’t handle, I can’t face them no matter how hard I try. It makes me afraid of my own mind. As if I lose all control of my senses and become this distraught, impulsive lunatic that will do and try anything to get to death as quickly as possible. Soon, very soon, I know I’m not going to be able to stave off those impulsive, delirious, inconsolable mindsets that take hold of me any longer…And through it all, there is no one, absolutely no one. As always, I have to face everything in this life, whether good or bad, utterly alone.

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Fri, 27 Jul 2012 12:00:00 -0500

floraz: i often ask myself if i can be loved. because why would someone love me if there are...

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 22:17:00 -0500

floraz:

i often ask myself if i can be loved. because why would someone love me if there are billions of other girls who are more pretty than i am or more skinny than i am? will i ever be loved by someone? will i be ever good enough? will i be enough?

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Thu, 26 Jul 2012 21:51:46 -0500

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Thu, 26 Jul 2012 20:39:00 -0500

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Thu, 26 Jul 2012 19:49:02 -0500

I forgot how terrible it feels to be sick because it’s been years since I last got sick. Now I...

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 16:10:00 -0500

I forgot how terrible it feels to be sick because it’s been years since I last got sick.

Now I can’t handle it and all I can do is lie on my bed and moan and cry. I haven’t been able to fall asleep because I’m in too much pain. I’ve been shivering so hard all day they’re more like violent convulsions.

I just want ginger ale and Nyquil.

I think it’s time to go drug myself into oblivion with a very large dose of Nyquil.

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Thu, 26 Jul 2012 16:05:14 -0500

I can’t wait for this again, please be autumn now!

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 15:38:00 -0500

I can’t wait for this again, please be autumn now!

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Thu, 26 Jul 2012 12:01:02 -0500

"I don’t want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing..."

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 23:27:26 -0500

“I don’t want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can’t even see it, something that’s drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead.”

- Margaret Atwood

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Wed, 25 Jul 2012 21:41:00 -0500

no matter how close i think i am with someone there’s always someone before me like i’m literally...

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 20:57:00 -0500

no matter how close i think i am with someone there’s always someone before me like i’m literally never someone’s first option

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Wed, 25 Jul 2012 19:44:07 -0500

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Wed, 25 Jul 2012 16:54:00 -0500

too sad to care about anything anymore

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 16:46:00 -0500

too sad to care about anything anymore

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Wed, 25 Jul 2012 16:31:06 -0500

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Wed, 25 Jul 2012 12:00:35 -0500