I’ve changed my mind.
When I first watched the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the first thought I had was “why would anyone do that, why would you choose to have a memory of someone or something erased, no matter how bad or painful a memory it may be?”
Now I wish that a procedure like that really did exist. I wish I could erase certain memories and people from my mind forever. I know I wouldn’t regret it. I feel like they’re only going to drag me down and haunt me for the rest of my life. If I could just forget certain things, life might actually be bearable. I might actually be able to carry on and power through and keep hoping and fighting…Right now I just literally can’t function as a human being with some of the memories I have, things that I wish I never knew, things that I wish I had never found out about or seen, things that I wish I could erase forever, people that have caused me infinite pain, things that I know no matter how much time passes will always make me double over in unspeakable agony and feel as if a hundred fiery knives are being thrust into my chest.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel like I’ve spent my entire life asking myself that question. I try to be a good, decent person, albeit realistic, pessimistic, and hopelessly boring, but for the most part loving, kind, patient, non-judgmental, at the very least respectful, but it’s never enough, it’s just never enough. It’s so sad to me how I can completely invest myself in a person and it just doesn’t matter at all…I’m never worth as much to people as they are to me, my entire life, over and over, constant failure and loss, never being capable of measuring up, always getting attached and hopeful that this time might finally be my turn to be happy but eventually and inevitably having to face bitter disappointment, rejection and abandonment and the task of picking up the broken pieces of my life, continuing to struggle and slog through this dreadful, meaningless, empty existence, and that’s how it always will be. Someone else will always be better, someone else will always come first, someone else will always be number one and I’ll always be the back-up, the last resort, the alternative. But I’ll never be enough. Which means that as a human being, I have essentially no value whatsoever. If no one can take me as I am, if I can’t be everything to just one other person, then I have failed at life and as a human being because there’s nothing else to live for. Nothing besides loving somebody and being loved back has meaning in life. And I refuse to be a pushover, a sad, sorry, spineless fool that settles for that constant end-of-the-line status in people’s lives, because no matter how insecure I may be I will always reserve that last shred of dignity and self-respect. I will never settle for being merely an option or second choice. I deserve to be number one in someone’s life, I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I’m a pathetic wimp and I know it…For some things, I can try to be tough…I really do try… but there are just other times that I can’t. It turns me into a quivering, pitiful, broken shadow of a human being. There are some things I just can’t handle, I can’t face them no matter how hard I try. It makes me afraid of my own mind. As if I lose all control of my senses and become this distraught, impulsive lunatic that will do and try anything to get to death as quickly as possible. Soon, very soon, I know I’m not going to be able to stave off those impulsive, delirious, inconsolable mindsets that take hold of me any longer…And through it all, there is no one, absolutely no one. As always, I have to face everything in this life, whether good or bad, utterly alone.